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Obviously...

(R'alf, May 06, 2000)

I fell young. Like if things did never started yet.
I'm pretty sure now that I understood this principle: real communication is a fraud. It does not exist. I filter reality through my own experience, and my filters are deforming this reality, based on my personal traumas and psychoses. Thus this ideal relationship, either sexual or romantic I'm looking for cannot be reached, because even if it ever happened, I would be completely unaware of its reality.
I dream than sometimes I'll fall in love with some beautiful girl, and that at the first glance I'll know she's the one. That's the distortion. I can obviously admit that even if something like this could ever happen, I would question myself, distrust her at first like I do with any stranger -- because otherwise I wouldn't be safe if it was a fraud.

The irony is that it took me years to draw a conclusion like this. It's unfortunately obvious that the poorest psychology or even astrology guide will tell you that. It is also curious that the stereotype for my sign, Virgo ascendant Virgo, notifies this as a big potential error.

Then I call myself a naive, and a dreamer.

Douche Froide

(R'alf, June 26, 2000, 02:34 AM)

The dream quickly stopped, she called back for a reality check: no casual relationship that would break the friendship. It's too sad for me, but this time I had been really close. Thus I had to think about it, handle it, and come over. Not joyful, but not so difficult to adjust myself. Once again I had to give up.

She is in the car with me, so close I could touch her, but I can't. So attractive I could picture her, smell her. I'd like to take her into my arms, but I can't. I can't cry, either. She's so close and still she's far away. Her body is attractive but her mind is not, is it ? Reserved, untouchable. I just don't understand her, and she lacks the small thing I need to be confident with her.

Let's face it, she's dangerous; the risk is too high that the situation becomes unmanageable for me. As always, I'll lose, whatever I do. I can't foresee us in a long relationship, she's not the one. A short relationship already failed to occur, and friendship won't last long because there are no real basis.

As always, I'll end up alone. Not even able to cry about it. But I tried.

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